


Not Through The Night

by dumb_fallen_angel



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Angst, Eating Disorders, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-28
Updated: 2020-09-29
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:02:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26153116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dumb_fallen_angel/pseuds/dumb_fallen_angel
Summary: Barry came back from Flashpoint and realizes how badly he messed up.With his parents dying again, his friends getting hurt and Iris being happily married he feels like there's nothing he can do to fix things.So when he finds something that finally takes his mind off the pain he's been dealing with, he doesn't realize how dangerous it can get.(Coldflash in later chapters)
Relationships: Barry Allen/Leonard Snart
Comments: 13
Kudos: 57





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Major trigger warning: This fic deals with eating disorders, if it's something that could trigger you I advise you not to read this.

It had been a month since Barry came back to this timeline, since he let Eobard kill his mom again. 

Having his parents back for a while only to lose them again was even more painful than losing them the first time. He should’ve known that he couldn’t make the choice to change the past without affecting the people he cared about too, but he had been selfish and now he was paying for it.

He really thought everything would be the same after he fixed the timeline, he didn’t expect Dante to be dead, and even though Cisco forgave him for that he knew he would never forgive himself.

The only good thing to come out of it was Eddie being alive.  
When Barry fist saw him he almost didn’t believe it was real, that something good had actually come from Flashpoint.  
But all the joy he felt seeing him again after so long faded away when he saw the ring on his finger and he realized Eddie being alive meant Iris was married and whatever chance he had with her before was gone now. He hated himself for being upset over that when he had his friend back and Iris looked happier than ever.

He tried to keep himself busy with work, both at the CCPD and as The Flash, but even that wasn’t enough to distract him from his grief. He run around the city for hours every night stopping any crime he saw, anything to keep his mind occupied.

He didn’t stop by STAR Labs anymore, he didn't feel like much of a hero and he couldn’t stand seeing his friends after all the pain he caused. They kept trying to get him to come to the labs, or go out, or just answer their texts, and Barry kept making excuses that they all knew were bullshit.  
Joe eventually stopped asking him to come to family dinner, Iris was more determined to get him to go until Barry finally broke and told her about how much it hurt seeing her and Eddie together.  
After a while they all got tired of trying, so he mostly spent the time he wasn’t running around as The Flash or at work at home watching whatever’s on TV and trying not to think of all the ways in which he messed up since having his powers.

It never worked.

Work wasn’t any easier, he now had to share his lab with the most annoying person in the planet. Okay, he might be exaggerating a little bit, but Julian Albert was definitely another one of the ways in which the universe was punishing him.  
All he wanted was some peace and quiet and now he couldn’t get that even in his own lab.

He was minding his own business, sitting at his desk and enjoying his lunch, when he heard that annoying British accent.  
“Why do you insist on having lunch in the lab?”

He sighed and got up to throw away the reminders of his takeout.  
“Why do you care so much about where I eat?” 

“Because it’s unsanitary and you’re going to contaminate the evidence.” Julian said before turning his attention back to the reports he had been filling. “Although I have to admit it is quite impressive to see you eat so much and never gain a pound.”

Barry stilled for a moment, he hadn’t realized Julian paid any attention to him.  
He thought back to the past weeks, about all the snacks he had with him at all hours, about the crazy amount of takeout he grabbed for lunch every day.  
He was so used to having his own space at the precinct that he never stopped to think about how that would look to anyone else.  
Julian was an asshole but he certainly wasn’t stupid, if Barry wasn’t careful he would notice something wasn’t adding up.

“I guess I’m blessed with an amazing metabolism” he joked while getting back to his desk.

“Well, I hope that makes up for your lack of intelligence.” The blonde replied without looking up from his work.

Barry didn’t have the energy to think of a comeback, he was just relieved that Julian didn’t question him further.  
He really needed to start being more careful around him.

After that he stopped snacking as much, he just had some of Cisco’s protein bars throughout the day and tried to keep his lunch similar to what he ate before his powers.  
Some days were rough, especially when he was called in for a Flash-related emergency in the middle of the day.

He thought that was enough to keep him off his back, until the next week when he got to work he was greeted by the sight of Julian aggressively sweeping the floor of the lab, and the first thing he did when he saw him come in was yell at him.  
“Bloody hell Allen, there’s crumbs everywhere. Can’t you go five minutes without munching on one of those stupid oatmeal bars?”  
He was really starting to get on Barry’s nerves.

“Good morning to you too.” he replied sarcastically before setting his bag down and getting started on work.

He didn’t even think he ate more than a couple bars an hour, but maybe he just wasn’t being careful enough. So he tried snacking only once every hour, and then after that every two hours. Eventually he ended up having just two or three protein bars a day, and he felt like shit.

He spent most of his energy trying to ignore the hunger pains. His brain felt foggy all day, which meant he didn’t really hear much of Julian’s complaining most of the time so at least that was a nice change.  
Even though he hated feeling like this it was a nice distraction from everything else on his mind, and really he’d rather be thinking about how long it’s been since his last meal than remembering Cisco’s face when he found out his brother’s death was Barry’s fault.

At some point it became some sort of a game, see how long he could last before he couldn’t stand it anymore and ate something.  
One time he only had one protein bar with his lunch and he felt oddly proud of himself.

He started resenting having to run as The Flash since that meant he needed to eat a lot right before to avoid his blood sugar getting too low, and then the nice floaty feeling would be gone for a few hours.  
He had thought about giving up being a hero a few times since Flashpoint, but he couldn’t let down the people of Central the same way he already let down everyone else in his life.

So he kept going, spending his days working and his nights fighting.  
Going home to his empty apartment trying to ignore the missed calls from his friends on his phone.


	2. Chapter 2

Barry woke up to his phone going off.

“For fuck’s sake, I can’t even sleep in on my day off.”

He answered still half asleep expecting it to be about a bank robbery or the new meta terrorizing the city.

“Hello?” he yawned.

“Barry, I’ve been trying to call you for days” Joe. Crap.

To be fair he hadn’t been ignoring him on purpose, he was just ignoring everyone.

“Yeah, sorry about that, I’ve just been really busy with… Flash stuff…” he really shouldn’t be attempting to make up excuses after just waking up.

“Right. Well, how about you come to dinner tonight? You haven’t been to the house in weeks and Iris and Eddie want to see you.”

It took all of his strength not to groan out loud. The last thing he needed right now was a family dinner, he doesn’t know if he can handle spending hours watching Iris and Eddie being happy and in love.

God, the one good thing to come from his mistakes and he can’t even be happy for them? He really is a selfish asshole after all.

He sighed accepting defeat. 

“Sure Joe, see you tonight.” he didn’t give Joe the chance to ask anything else before he hung up.

All he wanted right now was to go back to sleep and enjoy his free time before he had to see anyone.

* * *

  
  


Barry’s plans to sleep all day were once again ruined by a phone call. Actual Flash emergency this time.

It ended up being two guys, not much older than 20, attempting to rob a jewelry store.

Barry stopped them in less than five minutes.

After he was done he heard Caitlin’s voice in his ear.

“Barry, I’m going to need you to come back to STAR Labs”

“I’m sorry Cait, I’m really busy today, I should really go home.” he lied.

Caitlin sighed “No you’re not Barry, come by the labs” the comms cut off before he could say anything else.

Karma really was a bitch.

He considered going home and turning off his phone but he wouldn’t put it past Caitlin to actually show up to his house and drag him to the labs herself so he decided it was easier to go see what was so important.

Once he got there he noticed the frown on his friend’s face while she looked at the tablet in her hands.

“So, what did you need me for?” Barry asked when he saw her look up from the screen.

“Your vitals are a mess” She replied.

He was suddenly confused, he felt fine, what could be so wrong about his vitals? 

“What do you mean?”

“I mean your blood sugar is way lower than it needs to be, and more alarmingly, your heart rate is too slow” She turned her attention back to the tablet.

“Have you been eating enough?”

He tensed, like he has been caught doing something he knows he shouldn’t have, but why? It wasn’t anybody’s business but his how much or how little he’d been eating. And he had been eating enough, if he wasn’t he wouldn’t be able to run like he’s been doing.

“I have” The tension didn’t leave his shoulders, it sounded like a lie but he wasn’t lying!

Caitlin noticed it and she looked at him like she was trying to figure something out “Barry, how much have you been eating?”

“Enough.” he sounded more defensive than he wanted to.

“Are you sure about that? 

“Oh my god, I’m not a child! I don’t need you or anyone questioning me about my eating habits” he couldn’t believe he was having this conversation.

“I’m not treating you like a child Barry, this data shows something is off and I need to know to know what the cause is.” she said softly, as if trying not to scare him and it honestly made him more upset.

“Ok, fine! I am eating less than usual because this asshole at work kept pointing out how much I eat for how skinny I am and I don’t want him getting suspicious, but it’s not even that big of a difference.” 

“You need to be careful Barry, remember how it was when you first got your powers? What would happen if you pass out in the middle of a fight?” 

He felt like an asshole. Caitlin was just looking out for him and he was yelling at her for no reason, he really didn’t deserve his friends.

“Look, I’m sorry ok? I didn’t mean to worry you.” he never was great at apologies. “I promise I’m fine, I’ll be more careful from now on, you don’t have to worry”

Caitlin didn’t look convinced but thankfully she didn’t push the subject. 

“Ok, just let me know if you need help getting around the whole Julian situation. Maybe Cisco and I can come up with something more filling than the protein bars, or something that can be added to a normal meal” 

“Sure, I’ll let you guys know. I have to go now, I promised Joe I’d spend more time with him and Iris. I’ll see you later, ok?

She smiled sadly, of course she knew he wouldn’t stop avoiding them all of a sudden. 

“Ok Barry, see you soon.”

He smiled back at her and took off.

* * *

He didn’t go straight to Joe’s, it was still too early and he wanted to avoid that for as long as he possibly could. So he ran around stopping some petty thieves, putting out a fire, he even rescued a cat from a tree. 

When he got to Joe’s he was instantly greeted by Iris running up to him and hugging him as tightly as she possibly could, it reminded him of the first time he saw her after waking up from his coma.

As soon as she let go she hit him in the arm “Barry Allen, I haven’t seen you in weeks! You had me so worried!”

“Sorry, I’ve just been really busy, you know?” he couldn’t look her in the eye, he knew she could see right through his lies, she always did.

Thankfully Joe spoke up in that moment “Iris, why don’t you stop hitting Barry so we can have dinner? I’m starving”

“Sure, dad.” she said before turning back to him “We’re talking about this later”

She didn’t wait for a reply before heading to the dining room and taking her seat at the table.

He followed behind her and realised his usual place, next to Iris, was where Eddie now sat.

Of course, he didn’t belong there anymore.

He greeted Eddie and sat across from the happy couple, praying for this to be over soon.

Once everyone was eating Iris began to talk excitedly about her job, which Barry wasn’t really paying much attention to if he was being honest. 

He nodded once in a while and laughed when it seemed appropriate, but at some point he really couldn’t tell you what they were even talking about anymore, he was more focused on the plate in front of him.

Joe had made Grandma’s Esther meatloaf, it used to be Barry’s favorite food, that’s probably why Joe decided to make it.

But now he just started at his plate. An average serving was around 270 calories, which really wasn’t too bad, but Joe always refused to share the recipe so he couldn’t know exactly how many calories were in it which made him feel uneasy for some reason.

He couldn’t not eat it now, so he decided he was just going to enjoy it and then fast for the rest of the day, if he couldn’t know for certain he wasn’t going to risk eating too much and feeling heavy all day.

The conversation drifted towards Barry’s life at some point, he could tell they were trying to keep it light for his sake, only asking about his job and his friends, not bringing up Flashpoint or even asking how he’s been holding up.

“Anyone want seconds?” Joe asked after everyone had finished their meatloaf.

“I’m good.” said Barry, he already felt uneasy after finishing his plate.

“Who are you and what have you done with Barry Allen?” Iris joked

“What do you mean?”

“Barry, I don’t think you’ve rejected food since I met you. To be honest, I think you’ve had a speedster’s metabolism before even becoming one” she laughed.

Barry didn’t find it funny.

“Great, so you invited me over just to comment on how much I eat?”

Iris looked taken aback by his harsh tone.

“Barr, it was a joke”

“Well I’m not laughing.”

He knew he was overreacting but he couldn’t help it, he felt angry tears threatening to spill out and shouting was the only thing keeping them at bay.

The thing is, Iris had always made jokes about Barry’s fast metabolism, ever since they were kids. 

But now it felt different, now when she pointed it out he didn’t just feel anger, he felt shame.

“Son, you know she didn’t mean anything by it” said Joe. “Just calm down so we can have a nice rest of the evening.”

“No, Joe” Barry lashed out “I came here because you said you missed me but have any of you even stopped for a second to ask me how I’m doing?”

“Barry-“ Iris tried to talk but he didn’t want to hear what any of them had to say right now.

“I can’t do this right now.” he said before running out of the house.


End file.
